Dr. K’s Laws of Attraction for Intimate Relationships
While my blog deals primarily with matters of communication and making a positive difference in the workplace, I can’t always separate my personal from my professional life. That’s because the challenges in one are almost certainly going to have consequences in the other.
This week began with Valentine’s Day. And I’ll admit it, I’m a romantic. I love love. I have love in my life, though I remember the time when this was not so. And in this week’s post, I’d like to address the most personal part of your personal life – finding and having an intimate relationship.
Now maybe you have a romantic love and it’s getting better and deeper all the time. If that’s true for you, then no doubt all your work and community relationships are enhanced by your primary personal one. As you learn to connect deeply at home, you become less defensive and reactive at work. As you learn to accept your partner as he or she is, and work instead on yourself, you grow in strength and ability, all of which reflects positively on how you work with others.
But if you don’t have this piece of the puzzle worked out for yourself, chances are that you spend an inordinate amount of time yearning to click, connect and relate with someone beyond the niceties and pleasantries of casual relationship. Are you lonely, and tired of it? Have you been wishing for a special connection with someone in order to make your life feel more complete? Have you been thinking that you’re destined to be alone forever? Buck up, kiddo. Consider this my own ‘Laws of Attraction,’ and take this advice to heart. It made all the difference for me, and it just might make the difference for you.
Once upon a time, lonely and weary would have accurately described me. Though I had plenty of opportunity to meet women, I had grown weary of dating, weary of trying, weary of my weariness. And that’s when two pieces of great advice began coming my way, advice that changed everything.
The first bit came from my Aunt Ray, in Georgia. She met me in the bar of the hotel following a speech I gave there, and while the bartender poured our drinks, I poured out my despair. “I just don’t think it’s in the stars for me Ray. I’ve been alone too long, I’ve not gotten any younger, and my last effort hurt like heck when it fell apart. I think I’m destined to be alone.” Ray nodded as if she understood, then smiled a gentle smile and said these words: “Honey. Every pot has a lid.”
When I left the bar and went back to my room, her words hung in my heart like a banner. I began repeating them to myself daily, and relaxed about the search. And that’s when the second piece of advice came my way.
It came from the woman who cut my hair. More importantly, she was a good friend. I’d been her coach at an earlier time in her life and been a big help to her, and her gratitude made her want to look out for and be of help to me. One day, she called me up and said, “There’s something I need to tell you. Let’s meet.”
We met at a local eatery. “What’s so urgent?” I asked. She said, “I had a dream last night, and when I woke up, I had the very distinct feeling that I should call you and tell you what I realized about you in that dream. Can I be direct about it?” “Of course,” I said. “Have at it!”
Jeanette said, “You’re a great guy, and deserving of a great relationship, a true love, there’s no doubt in my mind that you would be a wonderful partner for someone. I know you want this, and yet I’ve watched you go through date after date and end up with nothing. And in my dream, the cause of this was obvious to me.”
“You’ve got my attention, go on.”
“Every woman that you’ve asked on a date was physically attractive to you, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Well, there’s your problem.”
“What are you saying? You mean, an unattractive partner would be better for me?”
“No, that’s not it at all. But because you lead with sexual attraction, a pattern most women are quite familiar with in men, your approach brings up all their stuff about men. And when that happens, it brings up all your stuff about women. Pretty soon, it’s not you and her that are dating, but your stuff and her stuff. That’s why your dating experiences are so frustrating and disappointing to you”
“Well, what do you suggest?”
“I suggest that from now on, before you proceed down the attraction road, find out if you like that attractive woman AS A PERSON! Is she someone you would want to know regardless of gender or attractiveness? Do you like her values? Her heart? If you get a YES on those things, then attractiveness can seal the deal!”
And you know what? Every pot must have a lid, because I sure found mine. I think she’s beautiful, and I’m attracted to that aspect of her, and it is important to me. But more than that, she’s a beautiful and graceful women on the inside. And truth to tell, it’s her inner beauty, values and core strength as a person that I find most attractive and desirable about her. She’s a great person, someone I’d like to be know as a human being with or without the rest of it, someone that inspires me to be grateful and to be a better person, and that’s what makes her a great partner for me.
So two lessons.
1. Every pot has a lid. There’s someone that’s just right for you.
2. Find someone attractive as a person before choosing a life partner
Got a story to tell? A comment about this post you want to share? I’d love to hear from you!
P.S. Pictures on my personal web site, http://talknatural.com
Rick is a best selling author and the founder of the Art of Change Skills for Life. His book titles include, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to bring out the best in people at their worst, Life by Design and Influence and the Art of Persuasion. These days he is spending quality time away from the spotlight enjoying the company of his wife and practicing his electric guitar.