Rule #6: You Can Persuade People With Your Ears
If you have to be right, you’re doing it wrong.
Nobody cooperates with anybody who seems to be against them.
People do what they do for what they somehow consider a good reason.
You can persuade people with your ears. It’s all about asking high quality questions.
All people problems have three component parts that must be resolved for the conflict to end. Attitude. Behavior. Design.
Attitude, the direction of your leaning, is all about your motivations and opinions, and more often than not, the opinions are positions at what first appears as the end of the road of thought. Attitude drives behavior. So if you want to bring about positive change, you have to get people’s motivations lined up and remove the roadblocks to successful interactions. If you’re leaning in to the relationship and away from conflict. It’s also possible to lean into conflict and away from relationship. Obviously, curiosity and the ability to listen. If people are leaning away out of disrespect, that’s an interpersonal attitude problem, and creating respect and building trust is the first and essential step. Everything else depends on getting attitudes connected up and focused forward.
Your attitude is based on your personal map of reality. Your motivations and opinions are the raw material of your attitude, and whatever you assume to be true, that’s It knows what’s safe and what isn’t, what’s If you are besieged in your map, you’ll be besieged in your life.
Design – There’s the systems part. For example, the bigger issue when it comes to peace and putting an end to war is always going to be arriving at agreement, envisioning a positive future, and working to achieve it. That’s true among groups as well.
Design requires you to be good at pattern recognition. Fortunately, that is built right into us. And if you design a pattern that you want to realize, you can get others to recognize it.
If your attitude is off, you’re harboring a grudge or a grievance against somebody, so you got to get your attitude lined up. Some behaviors send signals that create conflict, isolation. Organization is about being strategic regarding things that are important to you. And if you aren’t, the randomness of your approach is likely to produce a random result.
Phrases or words that a person should stay away from in a conflict situation?
Answer: I’ve been asked this before. I think it is more useful to understand the principles at work in communication than it is to figure out the right thing to say. Because situations change, and if you know the principles of communication, you can adapt. But if you have a playbook of set things to say, they may not fit.
The most basic principle: Nobody cooperates with anybody who seems to be against them.
You get further with useful assumptions than limiting ones. So if you’re going to assume something, assume something useful.
Listening precedes talking.
How people listen.
You’ll do better building people up than tearing them down.
If you can predict it you can plan for it.
A person informed by these will be able to adapt to a situation
People do what they do for what they consider a good reason. Some of the worst behavior – losing temper, whining, withholding information, they do it for a good reason. There is positive intent behind behavior.
How important is it for anyone to have good communication or interpersonal skills.
do you think it is
I think it is fundamental to a person’s happiness and success in life.
It’s not what you say
At the end of the day, do you feel there is a right way to approach a confrontation? Or is it a matter of the principles.
I said, what do you mean by confrontation?
She said, if a young girl is having an issue with her friend and wants to address that problem, what would be the best way for her to go about doing that? Especially if the friend is a type to forget the problem, pretend it doesn’t exist…
If you think it’s important, then first you have to be on the same page about talking it out. Give somebody a reason to listen. Tell someone your positive intent. So if I had to come to you with a difficult conversation, I’d preface it by giving you a good reason to hear what I say. I care about our friendship, I know it can be stronger and better, would you be open to that. Give people a reason to listen.
Make a distinction between what they’re doing and your reaction to it. When you do this, the effect it has on me is . When you do this, I wind up feeling like you don’t care about what I said.
So more effective to not have an accusing tone?
Yes, but if you’re going to tell someone about a problem, you should make a distinction between what they do and your reaction to it. When you look at me that way, and you describe their behavior rather than your opinion about it. Here’s what’s actually happening, and heres what I’m doing with it. When you say you’re going to show up and then you don’t, WHen you say you’ll pick me up and then don’t show up, I wind up wondering what’s going on with you. THat’s different than describing your reaction to something they are doing.
If all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it.
That’s really true if you think about it.
I don’t want to be talked to like that
I don’t want to be treated that way
The way out of that is to say what you do want. And that means you have to know what you do want. So before approaching someone, I might want to know what I want to happen. Not the result I don’t want, but the one I do want.
So remember when you said, “It’s better not to have an accusing tone”
In this case, what kind of tone do you want.
If all you know is what you don’t want, it’s like driving with your eyes in the rear view mirror.
Rick is a best selling author and the founder of the Art of Change Skills for Life. His book titles include, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to bring out the best in people at their worst, Life by Design and Influence and the Art of Persuasion. These days he is spending quality time away from the spotlight enjoying the company of his wife and practicing his electric guitar.