Mixed Signals Make Ending Relationship Difficult pt2
Continuing from my last post, here’s the rest of my message about mixed signals in relationship.
“A useful assumption about relationships is that we attract our partners into our lives not just because of love, or shared values, chemistry or mutual interests. A big part of the attraction is that we see in them, subconsciously, the opportunity to complete unfinished patterns in our own lives (unexpressed feelings towards someone else, entrenched counter-productive mindsets about ourselves, emotional irresponsibility, projection, etc.)
When these old patterns are complete, either the dysfunction resolves and the relationship grows, the dysfunction resolves and the relationship is no longer appealing, or the relationship ends and the dysfunction gets carried with us to the next relationship. That’s why people experience the same patterns in new partners. We bring them with us!
If the relationship with an emotionally or physically abusive partner isn’t complete for you, then whatever you are holding on to is YOURS, not his. And if it isn’t complete for him, (and clearly it isn’t, because he’s also doing the push/pull routine) then whatever he’s holding on to is HIS, not yours. Not picking up his stuff is a way of keeping the relationship with you going. Talking about you to people you know is a way to get word back to you that he’s still involved with you. But for you, this is a boundary issue. You must congruently and consistently set the boundary in place so that YOU are not sending ANY mixed messages. The only message from you to him ought to be, “It’s over. Move on. Work on yourself, because working on you isn’t my job.”
In my opinion, the best solution for you is to quit working on his stuff and get to work on your own. Stop concerning yourself with what he says to others and notice what you’re saying to yourself. The most interesting question is what does this say about you, that this was the person you allowed into your life? I suggest you look at the fact that you chose him as your partner, for however long he was your partner , as feedback about issues in yourself that need attention. And I encourage you to get some help in the form of counseling and coaching, and work through these things to get closure on your own instead of trying to get closure with him instead.–”
That’s what I said to her. I’d love to hear your comments and feedback about relationship lessons you’ve learned.